Parenting: Prescribing The Symptom
Rebecca was struggling with 3 year old Kevin's screaming. Whenever someone didn't do what he wanted, he screamed and screamed, hoping to get his way. Rebecca had tried many different things to get Kevin to stop screaming, such as time outs, telling him to use his words, walking away and ignoring him, taking away toys and taking away events, such as a birthday party. A couple of times she had lost it and screamed back at him. Nothing was working to get Kevin to stop screaming. Even though screaming didn't work for him to get his way, he kept doing it.
As Rebecca and I discussed it in a phone session, it became apparent to me that Kevin and Rebecca were stuck in a power struggle, with Rebecca trying to get Kevin to stop screaming and Kevin doing everything he could to resist being controlled. We needed another tactic.
"Rebecca, the next time Kevin screams, do what I call 'prescribing the symptom.' This means that you say to Kevin something like, "Kevin, maybe you are not screaming loud enough. Maybe if you scream louder, you will get what you want." You need to say it in a light tone of voice, with no anger. Almost matter-of-factly."
The next time Kevin screamed, Rebecca did exactly that.
"Kevin looked at me like 'are you kidding me?' and screamed louder. So I told him that it must not be loud enough, so he screamed louder. When I told him it still wasn't loud enough, he looked at me like I was nuts and stopped screaming. He hasn't screamed like that since!"
So what happened here? What happened is that Kevin was screaming to not be controlled by Rebecca, as well as hoping to get his way. When she actually told him to scream, the only way he could not be controlled by her was to stop screaming! Her prescribing the symptom also pointed out to him the absurdity of screaming to get his way.
Prescribing the symptom can work for many behaviors:
"Maybe if you whine even more, you will get what you want."
"I don't think your temper tantrum is quite doing it. Maybe if you kick harder and cry louder, you will get what you want. I'm sure you can do better than this."
"You know, that's a pretty good pout. But it's not quite good enough. Maybe if you pout even more you can get what you want."
"You are putting up a pretty good argument. Maybe if you argue longer and louder, you will get what you want."
You need to be sure that you do this right away, before you feel angry or frustrated. You need to be able to keep it light. It is important for your child to see you calm rather than flustered. Sometimes kids act out just to feel the sense of control over their parents' behavior when their parents get angry and flustered. It can give children a sense of power to upset people so much bigger than them.
Fortunately or unfortunately, prescribing the symptom can work with adults too - adults who are acting like kids and going into resistance. Many people automatically resist as soon as they think someone is trying to control them and prescribing the symptom can work wonders with these resistant people.
It might even work with your self. If you find yourself reaching for the box of cookies when you have vowed to lose weight, telling yourself that maybe eating the whole box will make you feel better and solve whatever problem or feelings you are trying to avoid with the cookies might just stop you in your tracks, as it did with Kevin!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. FREE Inner Bonding course at: http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available. mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.Crystal Gift Mineral
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As Rebecca and I discussed it in a phone session, it became apparent to me that Kevin and Rebecca were stuck in a power struggle, with Rebecca trying to get Kevin to stop screaming and Kevin doing everything he could to resist being controlled. We needed another tactic.
"Rebecca, the next time Kevin screams, do what I call 'prescribing the symptom.' This means that you say to Kevin something like, "Kevin, maybe you are not screaming loud enough. Maybe if you scream louder, you will get what you want." You need to say it in a light tone of voice, with no anger. Almost matter-of-factly."
The next time Kevin screamed, Rebecca did exactly that.
"Kevin looked at me like 'are you kidding me?' and screamed louder. So I told him that it must not be loud enough, so he screamed louder. When I told him it still wasn't loud enough, he looked at me like I was nuts and stopped screaming. He hasn't screamed like that since!"
So what happened here? What happened is that Kevin was screaming to not be controlled by Rebecca, as well as hoping to get his way. When she actually told him to scream, the only way he could not be controlled by her was to stop screaming! Her prescribing the symptom also pointed out to him the absurdity of screaming to get his way.
Prescribing the symptom can work for many behaviors:
"Maybe if you whine even more, you will get what you want."
"I don't think your temper tantrum is quite doing it. Maybe if you kick harder and cry louder, you will get what you want. I'm sure you can do better than this."
"You know, that's a pretty good pout. But it's not quite good enough. Maybe if you pout even more you can get what you want."
"You are putting up a pretty good argument. Maybe if you argue longer and louder, you will get what you want."
You need to be sure that you do this right away, before you feel angry or frustrated. You need to be able to keep it light. It is important for your child to see you calm rather than flustered. Sometimes kids act out just to feel the sense of control over their parents' behavior when their parents get angry and flustered. It can give children a sense of power to upset people so much bigger than them.
Fortunately or unfortunately, prescribing the symptom can work with adults too - adults who are acting like kids and going into resistance. Many people automatically resist as soon as they think someone is trying to control them and prescribing the symptom can work wonders with these resistant people.
It might even work with your self. If you find yourself reaching for the box of cookies when you have vowed to lose weight, telling yourself that maybe eating the whole box will make you feel better and solve whatever problem or feelings you are trying to avoid with the cookies might just stop you in your tracks, as it did with Kevin!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. FREE Inner Bonding course at: http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available. mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.Crystal Gift Mineral
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Foods High In Vitamin A
Coffee Maker Undercounter
Lyrics Lose Yourself
Broker Estate Florida Real School
Hoosier Hikers Council
2008
W Hotel Nyc
Wholesale Indian Jewelry
Year Anniversary Gift
05 Ford Mustang
Charlotte Entertainment Sports Ticket
Investors Realty
Dimension Pool Table
Christmas Children
Vending Machine Locator
Double Outdoor Chaise Lounges
Book Family Store Zondervan
Marine Corp Jobs
Chevy Beretta
Disney Cartoon Gallery
1500 Watch
10 Cologne Man Top
Coin Operated Pool Table Used
05 Acura Rl
Massachusetts Home Owner Insurance Quote
Refurbished Cingular Cell Phone
10 Change Discover In Life Living Spiritual Steps Truth Zone
06 Soccer Tour World
Africa Development
Coupon Dog Food Free Iams
Ipod Util
19 Lean Cut Wallet Card
Tisha Bra
1 1 302349 Fm Radio Station
Eye Toy Play Station Game
Vacation Rental In Hilo Hawaii
Real32
Real Estate Agent Kissimmee
10 90s Change Driving Force Future Managing
Motorola C350 Mobile Phone Accessory
Life23
Body Flashing Jewelry Magnetic
Vegetarian
007 Tomorrow Never Dies
Fish Oil Good For
China Small Group Travel
Man Body Building Workout
Career Mtn Nigeria
United States Map Free
Capital De Argentina
Used Office Furniture New York
Sundance Spa Pump
The Advisory Board
Blank Dog T Shirt Wholesale
Historical Life Of Jesus
Delta Airline Ticket Information
1 2 Office Season
0 Blood Diet Type
Kitchen
Car Finance Guaranteed
1 Fragrance Fresh Quartette Set
The Fabulous Baker Boys
Coffee Table Design
Type A Behavior
Pantone Color Matching System
0 Car Deal Finance
05 Disneyland Snow White
House
Oneal Motocross Boot
Kaunas Hotel Lithuania
Sports Bet
Aau Arkansas Basketball
Download Free Ringtone For Lg Phone
0a Business Home Job Opportunity Work
Custom Business Cards
Directory Phone Reverse
Large Round Coffee Table
Bbc Gardener World
Play Free Online Cartoon Game
Dinghy In Racing Sailing Tactician Team
Ethan Allen Home Furniture
Thunder Soccer Club
Literary Agent Fiction
50 50 Inch Inch Plasma Plasma Television Television
Kentucky Game Fish Magazine
Man Puma Running Shoes
2008 Photo Spy Viper
Emu Boot Size 9
Pinnacle Night Club Philadelphia
In My Life Beatles Lyrics
Life16
Hollywood Celebrity Scandal
San Francisco Red Light Camera
Glacier Hike
Customer Relationship Management Personalabbau
Sailing Crew Wanted
Breakfast Cereal Healthy Name
1 Extended Filter Mobil Oil Performance
Birthday Dora Explorer Party Supply
1 E Magazine Zines
Celebrity Death 2003
Jane Mary Red Shoes
Child Health Mental Nutrition
Flight Simulator 2004 Cheat
Abc Fitness Sports
10 Fast Food Restaurant Top
100 Commercial Estate Financing Real
Apartment Paris Rent Vacation
Condo Hotel Orlando Sale Unit
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